Excerpts from my crap journal

Written By Alexis Mesa

Written sometime between 2021 and 2025.

“For perhaps something might rightfully appear very imperfect if it were all by itself; and yet be most perfect, to the extent that it had the status of a part in the universe.” Descartes, Meditation IV

This isn’t supposed to be romantic, but I choose to see it that way.

I am intellectually insecure and I feel like a waste of resources. I am always tongue tied—I can never find the words. I love language and literature because it verbalizes what I feel but will never say. Fucking help me.

You got up and left town. I think that’s something to be impressed about. 

Losing you all and gaining the lexapro has put me in a much better place xx

1-8-2023 New York

It’s my first day alone in my Chinatown apartment. Someone came into my place and took my toilet paper, hand soap, dish soap, trash bags, sponges, and PAN! I am concerned, frightened, angry, gonna kill someone. 

4-3-2023 New York 

It’s slipping away, but my chest feels like it’s caving with the memory and I can’t breathe. All I want to say is I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU. 

But I’m here, so let’s stop mourning what’s gone.

4-14-2023 New York

The flies behave differently here.

20 YEAR PLAN

  • Healthy! Be able to run long distances

  • Attend a T-14 law school

  • Be a stock market queen. Returns will be UP!

  • Have a fulfilling, fun, and stable career

  • Own multiple properties–build a fruitful real estate portfolio 

  • Be able to go on one trip abroad every year with friends and family

  • Read at least 12 books a year

  • Learn at least one language to proficiency 

  • Be satisfied with what I have 

  • Find fulfillment in the small moments 

  • Have memories that make my heart sore

I AM TIRED. 

[REDACTED NAME] thanks for laughing when I said things. You have a great smile.

I love Eastern European men.

Embarrassment, to me, is more painful than any sadness or teeth-grinding rage. I want to crawl into a hole and lie with the worms. 

He is disgusted by such a grotesque show of vulnerability. I am too.

I miss you when you are asleep right next to me while I lie awake. I’m thinking about kissing you. I won’t wake you though. I never will. 

Alexis Mesa